Secretary

Here’s the deal. I’ve been sleeping with my secretary for the last couple of months, and now she wants a raise pause.

I don’t really mind, since I taught her myself that you should repay a good turn with a good turn, but she wants a raise right now, and her résumé isn’t exactly impressive — she hasn’t even worked here for four months.

What should I do? How long does she need to keep nagging me before she gets promoted?

Usually, this is where girls start to wonder if you’re being serious or not. That’s when you hit them with:

Would your answer change if I told you she’s underage?

Would your answer change if I told you she’s my sister?

Sooner or later, they’ll realize you’re joking. Then you congratulate them on having a sense of humor. You can also add that your secretary is actually a fat 50-year-old woman named... Often, they’ll ask you what you do for work. This is a very advanced opener, and should be used when your game is already quite strong.